I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
