I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
