walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
