just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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