I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
