did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
