Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
