I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
