So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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