So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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