i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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