apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
