So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
