My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize