Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
