Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
