My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
