did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
