I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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