saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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