I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
