I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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