just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
