He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I did not marry a roomba.
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