Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
nutella sex= disaster
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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