As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
