The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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