we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
