Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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