what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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