I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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