He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
