i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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