When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
