idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Two words: blizzard sex
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
