The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
