Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
