i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
