Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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