They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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