i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
