All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize