i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
