I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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