Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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