I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
