I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
