can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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