cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm bleeding and have questions
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
