you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
