All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
