Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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