Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I looked at my own cervix.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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