im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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