bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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