Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
