i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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