So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize