sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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