i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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