I want you more than these girls want KFC
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
