I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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