Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
