One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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