I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
