Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Panties = found
Randomize
