i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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