Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She said her name was "party"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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